My Story: How I Developed A Sexual Addiction

I am a good person. To be honest, I still cringe a little as I write that. As someone recovering from a sexual addiction, I've lived mos...

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Feeling overwhelmed

I am sitting here at the end of my working day, with a pit in my stomach, and a sinking feeling that I should be doing... something. Something... productive. Where did this feeling come from? I have no idea. What does "doing something productive" mean? I have no idea. I can literally feel myself spiraling downwards into a state of paralyzing negativity because I'm not being "productive" with my time. So I'm racking my brain, thinking of all the "productive" things I should be doing.

I should be writing that blog about love and acceptance that I've been thinking about for the last few days.

I should have left for the gym so I can get home before my kids go to bed.

I should be finishing the work project that I said I would finish last week, but haven't gotten around to because no one is holding me accountable.

I should be figuring out how to turn one or more of my ideas into a passive income stream.

I should... I should... I should...

What I'm actually doing (until I decided to pause and write this post) is scrolling on Facebook for "inspiration" and "motivation."

I'm watching an inspirational video about a man saving a toddler from getting hit by a train.

I should be spending more time with my toddler. What if I were to lose her?

I'm watching a gut-wrenching video of a group of police officers shooting and killing a knife-wielding man and his impromptu hostage on the streets of LA.

I should share this and write a passionate post about the unacceptable level of gun violence among police officers.

I'm reading about my internet friends' intimate struggles navigating their faith transition.

I should be more open about my faith journey with my best friends. Will they accept and listen to me? Or will they try and change my mind and convince me I'm being deceived?

I'm reading about my other internet friend's new updated RV so they can go on road trips as a family.

I should find a way to make more money so we can travel more as a family.

In the space of just a few minutes, I am contemplating life's great existential questions, I'm reflecting on my love for my family, I'm tackling the problem of gun violence in the US, I'm reinventing the next best way to earn a passive income, and I'm planning my next vacation, etc. And I am experiencing a lifetime's worth of emotions. Love, joy, anger, regret, fear, anxiety, jealousy, etc. Each hits me more powerfully than the last. Each brings with it an altered perspective of how I should be living my life, and what I should be doing at this moment that is more "productive." Each emotion washes over me in such haste, that I hardly have time to process it and even acknowledge it before the next comes.

Overall, I am overwhelmed. There is simply too much to feel and too much to do. I can't keep track of all the "shoulds," and so I do nothing but continue scrolling.

I have nothing wise to say. I just wanted to capture this moment with the hope that at some point I can untangle the mess I'm in.

I should meditate more.

I should just stop using Facebook.

I should stop feeling like I should do so many things.

Damn you, should.